Horrible Bosses
by x.Cult Of Personality.x
Summary: Is your boss a slave driving psycho? Is your boss a lust-crazed maneater? Is your boss a total sleazy tool? Ever wish your boss were dead? Well, they do. And they're not taking it anymore.


**_AN: Ok, so it's been a while since I posted another story on here, and I figured since The Shield is my current obsession at the moment, I'd upload a little something. :P This one's a parody of the movie Horrible Bosses and I figured it'd be...interesting to say the least. :) Rated M for language, crude humor, etc. Anyways, hope it's to your liking!_**

* * *

Chapter 1

It was another bright, early morning, where one particular employee was rushing towards a soulless four-story building in a drab office parking lot. The man was none other than Dean Ambrose, and he quickly exited his car and ran full-speed toward the entrance. This was the fourth time this week his alarm clock had gone off late and made him tardy for his miserable job, and damn it, he really just didn't want to hear it from his skinflint boss about him being late again. But still...his job had a lot in common with him - drab, miserable, and just plain dead. At least, that's how he felt on the inside, anyway.

Dean's VO: _"I get to work before the sun comes up and I leave long after it's gone down. I haven't had sex in six months with someone other than myself. And the only thing in my refrigerator is an old lime. Could be a kiwi, no way to tell. But here's the thing, this is just temporary."_

Entering the lobby, Dean bursted through the doors and looked at his watch, reading '6:02.' He looked up at a security camera with a flashing red light, finding that he and his lateness was caught on tape. Again.

"Fuck!" he cursed.

_"Quick story. My grandmother came to this country with twenty dollars in her pocket. She worked hard her whole life and never took shit from anyone. When she died, she had turned that twenty dollars into two thousand dollars. That blows! You know why she didn't succeed? Because she didn't take shit from anyone. The key to success, and they won't teach you this in business school, is taking shit. That's exactly what I've been doing for the last eight years and it's all about to pay off." _

Later, at his cubicle, Dean was at his desk inputting information from a large pile of documents into a spreadsheet on his computer. The clock on his computer turned to 8:00 A.M.

_"I'm this close to getting a big promotion, with my own office. Then all the endless hours, and the sacrifice, and the shit eating will have been fucking worth it."_

"Dean." a familiar voice called, startling him. He whipped around to see his boss, the grim - JFK-esque-looking - John Laurinaitis standing behind him.

"Yeah?"

"See you in my office?"

Moments later, the two were locked in his office while Laurinaitis was reviewing the entrance tape and Dean's lateness. "See, this is what concerns me, Dean. You're a punctual guy. You know the importance of being here right at six a.m., which is what leads me to think that, there must be something wrong with the internal clock on our security system."

He shrugged. "May have been a minute late..." he muttered.

Laurinaitis continued, "But according to this, you were TWO minutes late. So either you're a liar, or this system is off by a full minute."

_"The only hitch...I work for this guy. John Laurinaitis. Who right now is giving me some fresh shit for being two minutes late. He's a **'Total Fucking Asshole'**."_

He went on, "And if that's the case, I have no choice but to dismiss Thomas, our longtime security coordinator."

Blinking nervously, Ambrose replied, "Okay, I might have been two minutes late..."

There was an uncomfortable beat of silence. Then...

"So you did lie." he said suspiciously.

"No, I -"

Laurinaitis picked up the phone.

"Who you callin'?" Dean asked, curious.

"Thomas. I'm letting him go."

"Waving his hands, he stopped him. "Wait! Okay, I guess I lied. Truthfully I was...two minutes. Late. ...Sorry." he said slowly and awkwardly, looking around the room. Well, towards the exit, anyway.

The boss man was NOT amused.

* * *

Meanwhile in the same town, a car pulled up outside a modest looking dental building. Inside, were one of Dean's best friends, Seth Rollins, along with his fiancee Kaitlyn. Her, like Seth himself, had quite a bit in common. Aside from their hair being the same two-toned shades of blonde and dark brown, they were High School sweethearts and have stayed in love ever since. The two lovebirds were laughing and smiling ever since they left their house and all during the ride to Seth's job.

Kaitlyn smiled and admired her engagement ring, saying, "Dude, I have to get used to driving with this heavy ring on. I keep swerving to the left!"

Seth chuckled and grinned at her. "Aww. You really like it?"

She returned his smile and nodded eagerly. "I love it, babe. I feel like a queen."

Seth's VO: _"When I was a kid, people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. And I always gave the same answer."_

He gave his fiancee a passionate kiss and then adjusted his scrubs. "Well, you're my queen. I love you, Kaitlyn."

"I love you too, Seth. Have a great day at work, handsome." the blonde and raven haired woman smiled back, watching him head into the building before driving off.

_"I wanted to be a husband. I know that sounds weird. Most boys wanna be fire house chiefs or personal trainers, but to me being a husband was like the highest calling. And thanks to Kaitlyn, that dream's about to come true. Unfortunately, no one's gonna pay you to be a husband, unless you marry Oprah. So, I had to find a job. Now, I always admired dentists. They're smart, they're capable, they keep your teeth healthy. So I went out and I became one."_

Rollins entered the dental office that he'd worked in, and exchanged a few 'Hellos' and 'Good Mornings' to his fellow colleagues as he went to find his room.

_"...Okay, I became a dental assistant. It's basically the same thing. I just make a LOT less money."_

Seth entered the waiting room, passing a few patients on the way. He grabbed a mask and goggles from a supply room, then headed into his assigned room, where he found his boss, Dr. Kelly Kelly hovering over a patient. Looking her over once again, Seth seemed visibly uneasy, but that was only because despite the blonde's uber sexiness, there was something...off about her.

She told the patient, "All right, Mr. Anderton, I'm going to give you the nitrous now and your root canal will be over before you know it." Then, she noticed Rollins' presence and smirked a bit. "Seth? Please."

Seth turned the valve on the tank and soon Mr. Anderton's eyes rolled back in his head. With the smile still on her face, Kelly shut the door, picked up a drill and began boring into the patient's molar. Over the drill, she called, "So, how are you today, Seth?"

"I'm fine. Thanks." he nodded.

Kelly glanced up at him. "You get a haircut?"

"Uh, no."

"Ah. Well, looks good anyway."

"Thank you."

"Do you ever see that show, Gossip Girl?" she asked next.

"Uh...no." he repeated.

Kelly smiled and chuckled a bit. "Mmm...I watched an episode last night...Number 7 scraper, please."

Seth handed her a tool.

"Thank you." she continued. "Anyway, I fingered myself so hard to that Penn Badgley guy, I broke a nail."

Rollins narrowed his eyes and tried to inch away from her. It didn't work.

_"...And it would have been the perfect job, if not for one **'Evil Crazy Bitch...D.D.S.'**."_

Seth sighed and looked down at the unconscious Mr. Anderton. This obviously wasn't the first time Kelly had spoken this way toward him, and he absolutely HATED it.

Kelly giggled and continued, "I bet you're no shrimp in the cock department, huh Seth?"

"Okay, Kelly. Come on!" he cried.

"What?" she asked, confused.

"I'm not comfortable talking about that."

"Oh, Seth! Come on! You know that I like to fool around." And she enforced that statement by placing the hand of her patient onto her breast. Seth groaned inwardly.

Rollins exclaimed."Oh my...is this really necessary?! Guy's like...50 years old!"

Kelly looked towards the unconscious patient and cried mockingly, "Mr. Anderton! Not in the office! This is bad!" she slapped his hand over her boob repeatedly. "Bad! Bad! Bad!"

"...Probably shouldn't hit the patients." he shrugged meekly.

* * *

In the same town, Dean and Seth's best friend, Roman Reigns was headed into his job at the Bischoff Chemical Corporation, which laid in a medium-sized warehouse building in an industrial neighborhood. Reigns was young, very handsome, charming with the ladies, and was very popular at his job, and unlike Dean and Seth, Roman was very content in his workplace. His life really couldn't get any better, to be honest.

Roman's VO: _"I love my job. If you ask me, anyone who hates their job has no one to blame but themself. We make our own destinies, and I've made a sweet one here. I'm an account manager at a chemical company. And I'll tell you something, the job has its perks."_

After saying hello to some of his coworkers, a reasonably cute, but by no means drop-dead gorgeous, FedEx girl approached his desk with a package. "Excuse me? Can you sign for this, please?" she asked.

"Sure." he replied, taking the package and then catching a glimpse of her. "So, what's going on here?"

"Sorry?"

Reigns looked around and joked, "Is this one of those hidden camera shows?"

"What do you mean?" she asked, confused.

"What I mean is that you're way too cute to be just a FedEx girl. I mean, you gotta be like a model or actress or something, right? Like what happens when I open up one of these boxes? Someone gonna jump out and bite me in the penis?" he asked, eliciting a laugh and a blush from her.

"No! Nothin's...nothin's gonna jump out. I'm just a FedEx girl."

"Shut up!" he cried playfully, chuckling along.

She laughed and then turned to leave. "Bye."

"Have a great afternoon."

"Thank you!"

_"I didn't actually sign the form by the way. So she has to come back." _he smirked.

"Busy week?" a voice chuckled from behind. Roman looked up at Eric Bischoff, the kindly, affectionate owner of the company.

"Hey, Eric. Yeah, just doing my part for the women of America." he chuckled in reply.

_"But the real reason I'm here, is this guy. Eric Bischoff, my boss. The sweetest man I know. He loves me and I love him. Everybody loves him."_

"You're what we used to call a rapscallion." Eric continued, still laughing.

Reigns shrugged cutely. "That sounds a lot more innocent than 'sex addict.'"

"Haha. Walk with me, Roman." he began as the two of them headed toward the exit. "I wanted to talk to you about -"

As they passed the unisex rest room, they saw Nikki Bella, attractive, yet clearly pregnant, looking uncomfortable as she waited to get in.

"Everything okay, Nikki?" he asked.

"Oh hi, Mr. Bischoff. Roman. I've just been waiting to get in there for a while now..."

"Who's in there?"

She uneasily looked around before whispering, "It's... your son."

Eric sighed. "Of course it is." he knocked on the door. "Garrett? Almost done in there?"

After a long beat of silence, the door opened and out stepped Garrett Bischoff. He was in his late-20s, weasely-looking, sniffled a bit too much and was rubbing his nose repeatedly. There was something just...unnatural about him in general.

"What the fuck?! A guy can't get any privacy in this place!" Garrett cried.

"Garrett?"

"What?"

"Is everything okay? You seem to be spending more time in the toilet than you do at your desk."

"I didn't...I didn't realize I had to tell you everytime I wanna take a dump." he spat.

Reigns narrowed his eyes in reply.

_"And if the worst thing about this job is having to tolerate my boss's **'Dipshit Cokehead Son'**, well it's a small price to pay."_

Garrett continued, "You need me to tell you when I'm gonna pee-pee?"

Eric replied, "I'm just trying to get you do your part, son. It's not easy times you know."

"I do my part. I do other people's parts. But it doesn't matter to you, cause you just wanna ride on my ass because I'm your son." Then, he glanced towards Roman and gestured towards him. "You know what? I don't hear you giving Dick-Skin any shit."

Roman huffed. "Dick-skin. Nice."

"Kiss ass." Garrett spat back.

Eric motioned for Reigns to come inside of his office. "Come on. Come on."

"Yeah. Go on. In you go. Get in! Fucking..." he trailed off, flailing his hands about in a karate-chop motion. "I'm a green belt, motherfucker."

_"...What?" _Roman cried, raising an eyebrow.

* * *

Back at Dean's job...

Laurinaitis had hung up the phone and continued telling his employee, "Trust is everything in this office, my friend. I know you've been working your tail off for that promotion, but if I can't trust you, how can I make you Senior VP of Sales?"

Ambrose nodded. "I understand. You can trust me, sir."

"Now you sound like my wife." He glanced at a framed photo on his desk of the hot, bikini-clad Mrs. Laurinaitis (formerly Candice Michelle), standing on a beach. He imitated her. "'Trust me, honey, I love you so much.' 'Trust me.' Meanwhile, she's fucking every guy in the neighborhood." Still feeling bitter, he grabbed a glass and a bottle of scotch, pouring some. "Oh! You want?"

Dean blinked, feeling confused and uneasy. "It's...eight fifteen a.m."

"What? Is there something wrong with a manager drinking in the morning?"

He slowly shook his head. "No. Thank you. Sure. Thanks."

He handed Dean the glass of scotch. "Bottoms up."

"Nothing for you?"

"Dean, it's eight fifteen in the morning, I'm not an alcoholic."

Shocked, Dean blinked again and didn't know how to respond at first. "Wha-? Mr. Laurinaitis, the only reason I took one was because I thought you were gonna have one, so..."

He chuckled. "You took one because you thought I was gonna have one? Is that something you think a senior V.P. would do?"

"Just tryin' to be polite." he shrugged.

"So, what? If I uh...was gonna put my balls in honey and shaved coconut, you'd do that too?"

Dean quickly shook his head. "I...would not."

"Sure?"

"Yeah."

"Cause I've got some coconut."

Silence.

"...Of course not." he finished. "Anyway, we've moved up the date of the AGM so you're gonna need to complete your due diligence by Monday. You'll probably need to be here all weekend."

"Okay..." Dean sighed miserably. Same shit, different day.

Laurinaitis eyed him down and cried, "Look, if you want a promotion, you gotta earn it. Now, what do I keep saying? Life is a marathon and you cannot win a marathon without putting on a few band-aids on your nipple. Right?"

"Uh...yeah, whatever." he said slowly and uneasily, before turning to walk out of the office.

"Dean, it's eighteen year old scotch. You don't really expect me to pour it back into the bottle, do you?"

Ambrose reluctantly went back and picked up the glass of scotch, slowly and uncomfortably drinking the whole lot. As some of the liquid dribbled down his chin, the crap tasted so bad that he gagged once. Or twice.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the Dental office...

"Okay, enough fun. Let's get back to work. Water, please." Kelly announced.

Seth nodded and handed Kelly the dental water spray.

"Alright, let see if this thing is working." she smirked, before spraying Seth in the crotch with the dental water. He gasped and jumped back, appalled.

"Ooh!" Kelly giggled.

"Oh, my God!" he cried.

"Oh! I'm sorry. I'm a squirter, Seth. Oh, you know what? I think, I can make out our little friend right there!" She squirted him in the crotch again with the water spray, looking and feeling as giddy (and horny) as ever.

"Stop it!" Rollins cried, whining.

The blonde eyed down the young man's crotch and licked her lips. "Shabbat Shalom, somebody's circumcised!"

Seth tried to cover the wet area between his legs and replied, "Can we stop doing this thing here?"

"Why? Because you have a girlfriend?"

Then, he smiled and blushed a bit. "Well, she's not just my girlfriend anymore. We're engaged now."

Kelly nearly dropped her spray and shot him what looked like a death glare, uttering in a low tone, "What?"

"We're engaged."

"You said that she was just a hole for your dick."

He gasped, offended. "Hey, I never said that! That's not even my style!"

Suddenly, the sound of Mr. Anderton groaning stopped their conversation.

Kelly pouted and called, "Shut up!" And with that, she quickly cranked up the machine, sending him back to sleep.

"That's a lot of...oh." Rollins trailed off.

* * *

At the Biscoff Chemical Corporation, Roman was walking Eric to his Cadillac.

"Tell me something, Roman. Are you happy here?" he asked.

He smiled. "You kidding? It's the best job in the world."

"I'm glad to hear you say that. Son, listen, I'm rewriting my will tonight and there's going to be a special place for you in there." he grinned, giving Roman a hug like a doting father, then climbing into his car. As Eric pulled out and began driving across the parking lot, Roman continued smiling and waved towards him. Suddenly, though, the car's horn began to honk in a constant blare, and seeing this, Roman slowly lowered his hand as the car veered off the pavement, slowly cruising into a tree where it stopped. His expression fell completely, as the horn continued honking. "...Oh, shit."

...

Later that night at Bradford's Bar, the guys' usual hangout...

Roman pouted at a table, looking depressed while he told Seth and Dean the story of what had happened earlier. "He had a heart attack. They said his um...heart burst in his chest like a water balloon."

Seth shook his head. "My God! I'm sorry, man. I...I know you guys were close."

He nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I loved that guy. I loved working for him, you know? It's like awesome. Now his shitbag son is gonna be in charge. And it's like..."

He raised an eyebrow in confusion. "That...the cokehead?"

"Yeah. Do you know how many times I've caught him doing blow at work?"

Dean spoke up next. "This whole thing's a real fuckin' bummer, Rome. I'm sorry. You're the only one of us who didn't completely hate his job, man." A pause. "Did...did I tell you that Laurinaitis tricked me into having a drink at eight o'clock this morning? I mean, I work for the anti-Christ!"

"How did he trick you?" asked Reigns.

Seth added, "I thought he was gonna give you a promotion!"

"Yeah. No, he is. That's his way of being extra evil. He knows this is the last chance he has to make my fuckin' life miserable." Ambrose shrugged.

"Well, at least your boss isn't sexually harassing you!" Seth cried, downing another drink.

Roman chuckled and scoffed, sarcastically replying, "Oh, my God! I hear you on that one, man."

"Don't give me shit!"

Dean smirked along. "You'll never get any sympathy out of us for this, Rollins."

He continued, "She's going crazy! It's like a totally hostel working environment there, man. It's not funny!"

"Yeah?" he replied, skeptical.

"Alright, check it out. Today, she started spraying water at my crotch so she could see the outline of my dick."

Roman clapped. "That's great!"

"It's not great!" he argued.

"What are you talking about? Why don't you just, you know, just fuck her?" he replied.

"Because I'm engaged to be married and I love my fiancee, okay?" Rollins replied back.

"Oh yeah. Congratulations, by the way." Reigns sent him a nod.

"Thank you!"

"Dude, look. There's gotta be other dental hygienist jobs out there, right?" asked Dean.

"I can't apply for another job, remember?"

Roman and Dean exchanged confused looks.

Rollins sighed heavily, hating to explain it once again. "I'm on the registered sex offenders list, yes! Remember?" he cried out.

Reigns laughed. "Oh yeah, what do they call that? A Deviant-"

"Deviant sexual offender?" Dean laughed along. "Rollins, you can't get that expunged? All you did was point your dick out in a playground."

"I was taking a piss at night. There were no kids...alright. You know what? You don't put a playground right next to a bar. That's entrapment!" he argued.

While he was talking, Roman's attention went towards a girl who walked past their table. He smirked. "Mmhmm. Speaking of entrapment, I'm gonna see that girl about her vagina. Excuse me."


End file.
